Just Say No!

I finally decide to go to my first strip club. The 2 O'Clock club in Baltimore, MD was where I went. I've never been to a strip club so I didn't know what to expect. From my "research," I thought I'd find strippers doing the dirty, while being videotaped. Fortunately...and unfortunately, it was nothing like that.

As my homeboys and I head inside the club, which had "no cover charge," I'm looking around to see some elegant strip club things. Instead, I see a party club turned into a strip club. I didn't pass judgement though, because the dancers could make or break the club.

I head to the bar and purchase an *EEK* $6 bottle of water. It was the only way I could get change to properly tip the ladies if they interested me. Looking around at the scantly clad women, I walk around, trying to find a seat. It took us a while as we wanted a good view, but we finally decided to sit where the strippers first make their entrance.

I'm a little geeked up to see what the strippers have to offer. After all, I haven't been laid in a year, trying to do good and be celibate. I had a roll of one's in my pockets, ready to be flung out onto the stage.

Let's put it this way. I walked in with $40. I walked out with $26 left. Yes...the club was that bad. I spent $6 on a bottle of water, and tipped a dancer $8. That's not a good thing if you are a generous tipper.

The ladies weren't all that to begin with. Some did look fuckable, but they weren't the "DAMN!" women. I'm generally attracted to thick women, but when you see constant pudges that look like pudding, you get turned off. One chick that I thought would put on a good show let me down. She had a nice chest though.

My homeboys inauspiciously disappeared, saying they would be "right back." I should've known better, but I sat there and waited. The most interesting chick had a clit ring. It was my first time seeing that. I doubt I want to see again. That's just too freaky for me. How do you get a ring in your clit? If you didn't feel pain, did you orgasm from being pierced there? Too many questions for me to enjoy her.

I finally decided to get up and walk to the back. I was greeted to the sight of one of my homeboys grabbing and smacking ass, Ludacris style. I wasn't going to hate, but he did crack me up when he walked quickly and heavily toward the ATM machine to buy him a lap dance. Needless to say, if I could've recorded that...it'd be on YouTube.

His facial expression was crazy. He had this mixture of I'm-going-to-kill-you and I'm-a-little-kid look on his face. Funny stuff. If only I had a camera...I'd be chilling while he'd be mad at the backlash he'd get.

Anywho, I plop down in a corner of the club, pissed off. I start texting some people to blow off some steam. As I sit there texting random people and trying to set up a photo shoot with this one chick, a stripper walks by. She was average looking, but I was pissed and wanting to be horny. She saw me gazing at her, and the fun started.

She starts dancing in my general direction, licking her tongue out at me and making those googly eyes. I'm enjoying it a bit, and she was the only chick to pay attention specifically to me, so I tip her a bit. She keeps dancing, so I feel obligated to do a "grown man" thing.

As I tip her the next time, I place the dollar bill right on the clit and let my fingers rub that joint. It was a nice clit if I must say. Had me thinking some dirty thoughts. If I knew her as a close friend and she was clean, she probably would've gotten smashed right there on the spot.

But then...the COCKBLOCKER arrives. For those of you who do not know, I absolutely HATE cockblockers. I would kill cockblockers if I could get away with it. The stripper is dancing, letting me feel all on the booty, clit, and tits, when the freaking waitress walks up.

She asks one of the most stupid questions ever: "Don't you want to buy this young lady a drink?" Bitch...is you stupid? I'm not trying to fuck her. I'm not trying to get her drunk. I'm not even trying to get head. I'm just trying to rub on her soft ass and tits, and you want me to BUY her something? Valentine's Day had passed!

Of course, I said no...and the stripper got pissed. She gave me the mean look, kissed her finger and rubbed my face down to my pants. She then blew me a kiss and walked away. Of course, a brother is pissed cuz I was actually FINALLY enjoying myself.

Pissed, I text some more until my homeboy finishes his private session. I'm ready to roll out, and the club was closing anyway. Overall, I'm pissed. I didn't really see anyone worth tipping. Then, when I finally get a dancer to myself, the COCKBLOCKER enters and hates. Man...if I saw that trick again, she would get shot.

Will I ever go to a strip club again? Nah...I'll be fine. I know women that will strip for me quickly and easily. All I have to do is say, "Hey...come strip for me."